It wasn’t until February of 2010 that I came to realise how volatile one’s life could be.

The world changed. And so did everyone’s lives. Surely, the iPad keynote and Obama’s State of the Union address must have changed the world somewhat significantly.

Certainly, I was miffed about the iPad. But there was more to worry about as the world around me changed, whilst leaving me behind, alone. It was an extremely pesky thought. The superficial grievances could go.

It was… seeing past alliances splintered into multiple factions, forcing you into a habitual choice or a state delirious dilemma. Both sides have risen to the top, leaving you behind in the wake of their skirmish. It made me think just quite how hapless the situation was for me.

Just how far down did the rabbit hole go?

And then, it was… seeing those photos on my Facebook news feed. Almost everyone I knew at school has moved on to a Junior College. Those ostensibly fun moments that I could only, possibly experience vicariously. I am, although quite thankfully posted to a Polytechnic, filled with regret – the inevitable aftertaste that comes after each important decision.

I’d told myself that the feeling of regret would have been amplified more than a hundred-fold had I picked the other path. That didn’t work.

… but something did. Something made all these worthwhile. Something I couldn’t explain. Perhaps time will tell. Perhaps? Perhaps, things will be different, I hope, just like Niko Bellic.

Time and again time has tested me, and I failed. Time and again adversity tried me, but I failed. What would make me think otherwise?

I asked myself constantly. I ruminated. I pondered. And then the answer came to me, not unlike an epiphany.

Hope. Hope of a better future; hope of less suffering – hope.

And then, the only thing left that followed, was a question. Something more to ponder about.

“Were it so easy…?”

Life could be volatile, I knew now – but it could also be really evasive with its answers.

Overview:

In accordance with the consistency I would like to keep, it is most fitting for me to write this post to document this period of my life. The past year has been well-documented enough in metaphors and many verbose posts, with the exception of the past month. If I would, in the future, forget certain details, this would serve as a really good “memory booster”.

The past year has been great, sans the G.C.E. ‘O’ Level examinations, which I would like to call the proverbial “trial of valour”. Men who emerge victorious from it deserve my honour, but that is where my respect ends. Only those who take in one step further in their mental fortitude are worthy of remembrance, in life as well as the time beyond. And one such hero is my friend (arguably my best friend), with whom I have shared many experiences and have to agree that he is the one that spurs me on. He has proven to be a great source of inspiration, being the winner he is. He is none other than “Silent Fiona”. That’s his GamerTag. Go on, add him on Xbox LIVE!

November 30th, 2009:

I will never forget what has happened today. A great favour has been done for me and it is with deepest appreciation that I receive it. “Zombie Repeller” – 25 G. An Xbox 360 achievement, no doubt – but a challenge in its own right. It goes beyond thanks, beyond gratitude. It is worthy of much honour. For that, it deserves this paragraph. “Friendship is like a violin. The music stops now and then, but the strings will be there forever.”

Xbox LIVE GamerScore: 8120 G

November 29th 2009:

I have finished Fallout 3, netting a total of 1000 G for the original game. It is now one of my proudest achievements in gaming! A good game, too!

Xbox LIVE GamerScore: 8005 G

November 26th, 2009:

I went to Zhen Sheng’s house. We played several games of Halo 3. I put on hold my progress of Fallout 3 back home, and I spent the good part of the day there, together with Jun Hui. We had some crazy fun with Team Mythic, but got seriously trashed at a Social Big Team game. We also watched Death Race. It is so much better with the subtitles turned on!

Xbox LIVE GamerScore: 7420 G

November 21st, 2009:

This post appeared on my Tumblelog originally:

F*ckin’ A! My day went explicably well.

Morning: 40 EXP in Team Mythic in Halo 3 Matchmaking. 10 more to the ‘Spartan Officer’ achievement.

Afternoon: Met with Jun Hui. Ate lunch at Long John Silvers. Then, we travelled over to Raffles Town Club; played some Sega (classic) Arcade games, then watched X-Men Origins: Wolverine (another frivolous action flick but that’s what a man can’t stop craving, basically it’s to a guy what Twilight is to gals).

Evening: Played a few rounds of bowling. It’s my first time in a bowling alley. Alas, poor Yorick! My efforts in the “Gobble Gobble” achievement in GTA IV and GTA IV PC paid off. (Hey, who would’ve known the Physics engine in GTA IV is that realistic?) Scored a few strikes as per my ‘skill’. Thanks, Xbox360Achievements! The strategy of “taking two steps to the left, rolling the ball steady and straight, and with moderate strength, then launching it a tad to the right” to get a strike seems to have worked in reality as one wouldn’t expect.

Night: It’s where I ended up, Orchard, the de facto shopping district in Singapore. Here’s where I’m posting from, from my iPhone 3GS.

Peace out. Had a nice time! Let the good times roll!

November 17th, 2009:

School’s out! I don’t usually socialise (yeah, you read that right), but regardless, I went to the class barbecue party. It was fun, quite very inexplicably. Guess what? We played a few rounds of Halo 3 there. Yeah, I’m the “gamer geek”, what do you expect? Who else you know has a major video game production company sending them free stuff?

November 16th, 2009:

Halo 3: ODST was more or less completed. Co-op was fun, more so than Single-player, due to Legendary mode’s infuriating difficulty. Later in the day, I attended the Graduation Night. It wasn’t really fun. I wanted to dress like Luis Lopez but there wasn’t much of a choice. In the end, I looked pretty O.K., being my first time dressed more formally than a t-shirt. Although, there were many jokes – and I enjoyed them!

November 13th, 2009:

The examinations are finally over! (That’s three weeks ago!) I went to watch the movie “2012″ with a couple of boys from the school, and class – and 7 of us (yea, 7 – that’s as significant a number to me as it is to Bungie Studios) later went to have a steamboat dinner. It was fun and memorable. The scratch on my iPhone’s back was acquired on this date too – a mark left in time. Also, it was the first time I turned on my Xbox 360 to play something other than Grand Theft Auto.

I have just joined Tumblr. I will be integrating this blog with Tumblr soon. Below is my post from November 1st, 2009. Click here to visit my Tumblr log.

I can already envision it. Tumblr is quickly becoming the new Twitter-Wordpress hybrid. My only quirk with it is that, while this site is “fantastically awesome” (to quote my best friend Zhen Sheng – I’ll talk about it later), it is becoming increasingly difficult to manage my online presence.

Before the genesis of social networking, we only had to deal with a website, which would usually be a portal-styled website with a message board. Later, blogs came along – it changed the way people used the internet. Only more recently, we have seen the emergence of social networking. It all started with Friendster and MySpace, the first two that came onto the scene. Then, Twitter and Facebook came along – both of them have some widespread proliferation. In fact, they are so pervasive, billions – if not millions – of posts are appearing on Facebook every given minute.

Their resounding success has given rise to many aspiring individuals and companies, whose intention is to be the “next big thing” on the internet scene. It’s profitability can be very much questioned, but Facebook’s spiraling (upwards) hype machine certainly turns quite a few heads. It’s not difficult to delve into the internet scene, too.

It annoys me, though. Although I love to write, it is sure really annoying to manage a Facebook profile, a Twitter page, a WordPress blog, and a website at the same time – and not Tumblr comes along. Internet veterans, remember when e-mail used to be a big-time annoyance, yet it was the “cool thing” at that time?

Tumblr = re-blogging, they say. It’s not that simple, though. Things don’t sync up pretty well especially with RSS feeds. It is not instant. And it gets on my nerves – the main draw of social networking is, why, of course – it’s instantness of connectivity!

Right now Tumblr is still telling me I have one hour to wait to import my blog posts. One hour?!

OK, enough about that verbose of a rant.

On a lighter note, Rockstar Games has just sent me an Xbox LIVE Marketplace Redemption Code to download the latest downloadable content for Grand Theft Auto IV, The Ballad of Gay Tony. “Fantastically awesome”, as my homeboy Zhen Sheng has said. I have to concur.

Thanks, Rockstar Games! It was an amazing piece of downloadable content. You guys have to buy it if you’re an Xbox 360 owner. It costs 1600 Microsoft Points, and is also available in retail outlets on the Grand Theft Auto: Episodes from Liberty City disc if you like your games more… personal.

Now, back to revision for my examinations. I abhor school work.

A former classmate of mine in Year One posted this as his status update on FaceBook today: “we appreciate something, only when we lose something”. To a certain extent, I am sure it holds truth. However…

Forget it. Let’s talk about something less, well, serious to begin with. In case you were wondering why I’m posting this, yesterday was the last official day in school for me, and my peers in the fourth year of Secondary school. With quite a bang, the three-hundred odd students in my school bade their farewell to the school.

Below, you can see a photo that was taken, a few days back, with me and my classmates in it. Courtesy of my form teacher, Ms Thian.

Great times… (of course there were better times, like back in April 29th of last year when Grand Theft Auto IV came out, but that’s another story. :p)

Now, let me first agree with what my former classmate has said. Appreciating what has passed us. Certainly there are a few people with whom I have had the honour of having class, lectures, or tests for the past four years. It is most unfortunate to say that I have not treasured such acquaintanceships, or even maintained friendships, with many of them.

And, that may be the cause of my ambivalence. Now that I am facing the light at the end of the tunnel, I am indeed taken aback by change. Gone will be classes or tests. It is a little disconcerting to find that I will no longer be amongst the cliques of people I am so used to loving or hating. Yet, at the same time, I am glad to finally be able to (almost) put and end to the arduous school routine.

Friends and foes I have made; memories that I will relish, and certain nightmares that I will abhor. Change is apt, and inevitable. Like the sun that shines daily, acquaintances come and go. There will be people that will have left an impression in my mind, and others that have left behind their trails in my heart. Those that truly matter will make their mark in time.

Now, I shall take this opportunity to thank those that have made a mark in my life. Memories are important!

Thanks for the “awe50m3sTzZz!11″ friendship, Sir Ho Zhen Sheng! Brothers for life! You are my brother from another mother! Thanks also to Lee Jun Hui, for being such a trusty companion! And, Jonathan Bek, for being an ever-present companion from year one to four, as well as in all those Chinese classes! Well, and not forgetting, Joshua Tan and your random jokes which proved to be an extremely good sense of humour; Ernest Tan with your quirky personality of being easy-going yet sometimes weirdly emo; Eugene Tan for being who you are! Of course, thanks to Louis Tan too – you’ve been a great listening ear! Last but not least, Meng Xuan, sitting beside me in class and making it less of a bore. And the rest, thanks for the acquaintanceship – Raymond, Kwan Ter, Yang Yang, John Ang, and the iMedia guys!

While the end of school has passed for me, the final battle is yet to be won. The G.C.E. ‘O’ Level examinations will be commencing soon. Finish the fight! And… my nostalgic feelings, in its nascent state? Let it reign over me!

Oh, and for those wondering, my reply to my aforementioned classmate? Here it is:

“We appreciate something, only when we lose something”.

Not quite. It depends.

What I mean is, it will truly be sad if one would have to lose something he has only come to appreciate after its passing. I am sure there are many things we all appreciate, it just depends on our angle; our perspective. When that perspective changes (especially very radically; i.e. you lose something), we might come to discover our attachment, emotionally or physically, is much greater than we may have realised.

That is why, it is important to question the status quo in life, wherever you may stand now. Challenge it. Ask, “What if my life is so radically different now?”, or “What if my life suddenly took a morose turn?”

Only then, you will come to appreciate all the positive things in your life. Sad to say, life sucks. The optimists’ dogma of “looking on the bright side” of life will pretty much apply. I’ve realised it does help. The truth is that we can only look at the light if we are in darkness!

We all perceive “the light” differently. Some may see it as God – and others, as hedonistic pleasures in life. But wherever our faith lies, hope lies therein, similarly. It is so essential to be idealistic, yet so crucial to stay pragmatic.

Also, it’s important to live vicariously sometimes. Live in someone else’s lives; walk in their shoes. Feel their pain. See their dreams. Read a book; play a game; watch a movie – it helps!

For now, my Secondary school life is all but gone. Past. History. The last vestiges I face – the ‘O’ Level examinations – let’s make it happen!

(Also, not forgetting, Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars comes out in three days’ time on the PSP! As well as Grand Theft Auto: Episodes from Liberty City featuring The Ballad of Gay Tony on October 29th! =D )

Music for the day:

Halo 3: ODST OST: The Light At The End

For the first time in two weeks, Zach White manages a smile.

For years, he watched in dismay as his nemesis outsmarted him and stood in his way, time and again. Today, however, he will get what he deserves.

Five months ago his hopes and dreams were rent asunder. Now, his enemy will finally have a taste of his poison. And Zach revels in the fact that he now has the upper hand.

This time, Zach will have his opponent fitting the round pegs in the square holes. Vengeance is a mere emotional response, Zach thought.

Drawing in a breath of air, he executes his move. Gracefully and elegantly, he adds the finishing touch; a bright crimson filled the empty canvas. Beautiful.

… …

My name is Zach. In my line of work, we keep many secrets. My name became “Neil Fitzgerald” and my state of residence changed to Los Angeles, CA., all in the name of a low profile. Am I a government agent? Perhaps. I cannot tell anyone of the truth. As one can see, it is a mandate I keep secrets, in all I do – even down to my dining preferences.

One day I made a deadly mistake. Somewhere down the line, I blew my cover. I wasn’t sure when, but I remembered very vividly when it all fell apart – its realisation became too hard to bear for me…

A beautiful day it was. 65˚F; clear skies.

As usual, I dispensed a cup of warm coffee from the coffee machine and sat down by the window to observe the idyllic view outside. It was magnificent; an almost panoramic view of the urban sprawl that stretched from Downtown Los Angeles to Beverly Hills.

As expected, the telephone beeped. Time to get to work.

I dressed myself in a dark crimson business suit, complete with a tie and complementing tie clip, then proceeded promptly to leave the house. As I closed the door behind me, an assuring click, accompanied by a brief and monotonous beep signalled that the doors were locked, and that the primary security system has been activated.

This should be an easy job. It won’t be anything I can’t handle.

In a matter of minutes I was in a similar residence to my own. Covert operations require clandestine measures. Naturally, I would expect to have a lock-pick in my arsenal. A few subtle clicks later, the door swung open, a sign of unsolicited invitation. The lock-pick: a spy’s best friend.

Surreptitiously, I crept into the room. Rays from the morning sun shone through the clear glass windows and lit the room up with a golden nuance. There was something about the room, however, that made it rather ominous. Perhaps, it were the arcane designs plastered as wallpapers that adorned the apartment.

Nevertheless, I kept my usual composure, and set foot in further. As I made my way in, the mustiness of the air became increasingly unbearable. Fortunately, the carpeted floor aided me as I worked. Pretty soon, the explosives were set in position. This desolate apartment ought to be demolished with the rest of this building. I smirked. My job was complete.

Still calm, I walked to the elevator, trying to avoid the stairs as I made my exit.

“Freeze! Hands behind your head! This is not the FBI, CIA or NSA,” said a thick voice from behind me, “There’s a price on your head, young man!” Price on my head? I wondered… Who does he think he is, Johnny Polygon? “Get down on the floor! Now! Don’t even try to escape!” There was absolute certainty in his voice, admittedly.

Instinctively, I tried to run. It was a forlorn attempt. They had me pinned down. There was no escape for me, I knew. The army of footsteps that I could hear from behind me crystallised my fears.

In my next conscious moment, I was in my bed. Home sweet home.

Everything seemed to be in place. The alarm clock/iPod dock hybrid was where I expected it to be, so was my iPhone. The time read 11:17 AM. The air was even more ominous as before. Fear and anxiety still kept their grips on my emotions. I wasn’t dreaming, I couldn’t be.

The Id took over my mind. My stomach was growling. I must not have not eaten for weeks.

Floundering as I got up, I reached for the exit. Something about the room was not quite the same as it was before.

On my study desk there was a note, written in lazy scrawls. There was a certain familiarity to it, yet I couldn’t figure out what made it so, until I made an effort to read it. It was written like a letter.

“Shocked, are you, Neil? Or shall I call you – Mr. White?

P.P.S.: Like you have always told me, Neil, vengeance is an emotional response. I was beginning to believe in it.”

I did not walk this far down the road to have it end there.

I kept a life of secrets. But at that moment, the embargo was lifted, in both ways. In one way, I have exposed my deepest secrets to this woman; in another, that woman has exposed her true colours to me.

I stared at the piece of paper with utter disdain.

I was bewildered. I knew only one thing. To kill. It is what I have always done. It is the truest secret I have ever kept.

… …

With a certain vengeance, Zach pulls the trigger back, a second time to ascertain his victim’s fate. In silence she falls. Like the gates of hell opening to welcome her, the ambient sounds of the busy city gives way to her demise. She is now irrevocably relegated to a rigid corpse, her fate set in stone.

Far beyond the epicentre of the tradedy, Zach White walks out of a fast food chain outlet, Cheeseburger in one hand, a mobile phone in another.

“Hello. This is Mr. Neil Fitzgerald speaking. May I enquire about the life insurance policy of my late spouse, Mrs. Victoria Fitzgerald?”

“Yes, this is Mr. Tony Scott speaking. I will be attending to you today. I shall have to put you on hold while I retrieve the relevant files. Please wait a moment, sir.”

Checkmate.

People say that art is reflection of ourselves as human beings. If so, is it not wrong to say that deep down in our foundations, we’re both loving and caring creatures, as well as sick and perverse devils? Saints and Sinners we all are, yet it is funny how some people would be so ignorant as to censure the perfectly humane actions of some unsuspecting members of our species.

Who could be blamed though? Such is nature. Nature is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? Yet, the more we try to explain nature, the more we’ve come to destroy its very foundations (this is, however, another story on its own). Physics had us explain the mysterious forces of nature in the macro sense – the relation of energy and matter. Albert Einstein threw time into the mix, and we got the modern study of Physics. Chemistry and Biology, on the other hand, had us explain nature in the more micro sense – how little particles such as atoms and cells build up the complex objects we see in life.

Science stems from philosophy. Why not then, apply science to philosophy? Maybe, in doing so, we would be exposed to a whole new dimension of thoughts, beliefs and ideas.

Now, there are always two sides to a coin. For example, we can be both Saints and Sinners, or there can be a positive or negative terminal to an electric cell. The very foundation of all activities human beings engage in is – not our intellect, but rather, our emotions. And the foundation of emotion is the feeling of love, and the lack of it – which is hate. We are not loved, therefore we fear. We fear we are not appreciated. So we’d find faults. We’d find faults with others. And that leads to resentment, leading to hatred. Hatred begets evil.

We realise that Physics can explain all of these with ease. Love, an energy, cannot be created nor destroyed, but it can be converted from one form to another. Our actions will see a reaction force too, that is opposite in direction and equal in magnitude – in tandem with the Equity theory in sociology and the idea of reciprocation.

Perhaps, Star Wars fans might find such an idea familiar. Of course, doesn’t it sound like Yoda at all? Isn’t love just like the “Force”? The Dark side represents hatred and evil. And we are all capable of adhering to either side. However, this begs the question – if George Lucas could conceive of such an idea in the 1970s, and the Star Wars media franchise have become such a phenomena in pop culture, why do world leaders (as well as the average Joe) still fail to realise that the effectualness of our current forms of authority and governance can be very much questioned? Democracy or not, all forms of governance and any kind of political belief seems to be mired by ineffectualness to maintain order. Why, and how so?

Some day, we must all realise that it is our genetic buildup that governs all of our actions. They’re perhaps just what makes us human, and rules only serve to hinder that. The idea of altering the legislations in the many of the world’s political systems could already be a touchy subject, lest talk about abolishing it. However, ironically, rules are are the very reason why the order of a country is challenged. It is commonly said that rules are meant to be bent – there is indeed much truth in that statement, if we look at the situation from outside the political perspective.

Too often, authoritative figures tend to see that it is their hefty responsibility to rid the world of evil and try to fight crime. However, it is not a good idea to mete out punishment to rule-breakers and restrict a person from his or her right to fight, especially since it is that person’s birth right as a human being. Maybe, in our quest in trying to enforce justice and peace, we fail to see that this is what safeguarding human rights also constitutes.

If love is an energy, then hate, too, is a form of energy. Thus, it is an impossible task to rid the world of hate! No matter how bizarre this sounds, we should instead channel the “rogue” energy into “good” energy – “converting” hate to love. It is not a simple task to achieve, but it ensures perpetual world peace without endangering the human rights of any individual.

Punishment, such as incarceration, is too expensive and inefficient to carry out. It does serve as a deterrent to potential criminals. However, more often than not, it only brings more suffering to the prisoners and it further fuels their resentment and hatred, which would only lead to more crime, not to mention that majority of the world’s criminals haven’t even been dealt with!

Believe it or not, it all begins with love. Human beings all wish to be loved. That is why, children from dysfunctional families usually grow up to be rebels and troublemakers. Until we can do away with the void, which spawns hatred, we must nurture this feeling of being loved in each and everyone. We must love ourselves and love others, because if we don’t, we give the feeling of hate a reason to enter our hearts. We must stop being so apathetic and nonchalant, because our ignorance does not make us possess a stake of neutrality in any of the world’s matters. Rather, it is a stake of negativity.

Knowledge is key in that regard – through education. Certainly not education through rote learning, because it only benefits the methodical, hardworking and diligent individuals which most of us are not. To educate the masses, we must begin with education that caters to the masses. And believe it or not, the media is the most powerful educational tool yet to be harnessed properly to our advantage.

The internet – sites such as YouTube, FaceBook, Twitter, Wikipedia, as well as blogs and message boards – have already proved to be exemplars of effective educational tools. Furthermore, films such as Star Wars and video games such as Grand Theft Auto are no less effective than news media, and while less pervasive, it certainly trumps traditional rote learning in the classroom. Have you ever heard the eleven year-old complaining that “documentaries are boring”, and “Halo is so kewl [sic]“? Because they are! Believe it or not, the next generation of young minds will be better off learning geography through Google Earth and music through Guitar Hero, Rock Band or Beaterator. It engages more of our sensory perceptions than traditional rote learning, so why not? Surely, it is less serious in tone, but is adding fun as an element to learning anything bad?

Some food for thought – crime rates in the United States of America saw a decrease in those years with a major release of a Grand Theft Auto game – Grand Theft Auto III in 2001, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City in 2002 and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas in 2004. While most tend to attribute blame to video games when met with reports of crime nowadays, no one can argue that Grand Theft Auto has been detrimental to humanity, because it certainly has helped push down crime rates, albeit not single-handedly. We’re not about to market Grand Theft Auto to children as “educational tools”, but with the development of new applications that can be purposed as educational games, it is to become more accessible and hence pervasive in the near future. With platforms such as the iPhone/iPod touch, the Nintendo DS and the Nintendo Wii, and even Microsoft’s Xbox 360 Natal and Sony’s new PlayStation Eye, such a feat couldn’t have been easier.

Now, we all hate change. Change challenges the status quo, and often wrecks the stability we have established in our lives. But, it is time for change, a collective change in the mindset of humanity. A paradigm shift is just what we need. And, the first step to doing that? There are no definite ‘Saints’ or ‘Sinners’ – no black, no white, only a motley of colours that seem to appear as grey. We must accept that humanity is a single race. Segregation leads to marginalisation and dissent, which leads to evil. The point of being able to love ourselves and others, as human beings, is moot, if we do not possess the ability to manage and control it.

We must accept ourselves as one, as a collective group of people, yet understand that we are all unique individuals in our own right. We are not equal, no one is created equally. However, we are all biologically similar – similar enough to possess the same clear judgment as long as we clear our minds of ignorance and hatred which would cloud that judgment. Allow our differences to complement each other, not persist as obstacles that lead to destruction.

I do hope, that in a decade or two in the future, I would be able to log in into my blog, have a look at this post, and smile knowing that we have moved towards an enlightened future for humanity through a collective effort and mindset. Because, we are all capable of it.

Read also: “My vision for a new world”

In all our lives, each and every one of ours, we have thousands of stories to tell. Most are left untold. Some are left as memories. Others are upstaged by the happier memories. Time is flowing, and each second passed came from the previous one; all tomorrows come from yesterdays. The present is gone as soon as we think about it, and the past only lives in memory.

In a life fraught with much trials and tribulations, in a room somewhere off the beaten track of an intrepid tourist, is someone trying to figure out all the angst and sudden surge of wisdom that plagues his mind, all in the face of a little trouble. Right now, he is looking pretty tired, staring at a laptop and trying to get inspired. There’s a story to tell.

My life has taken an abrupt and macabre twist, again.

Anxiety filled the air. My heart raced. I sat still, waiting. I didn’t know what exactly I was waiting for. A reply? Prerhaps. I flipped open my mobile phone, which was held firmly in my hands. The bustle of the clinic did not sway me away from my perpetual focus. The smell of Chinese traditional medicine, particularly herbs, wafted from multiple sources to assault my olfactory sense.

I spontaneously scrolled through the list of messages to the one that was received ten hours ago. My heart sank as I read the words off the screen. I went back into my shell, the state I had confined myself in for as long as my memory served me. It was almost a natural ability.

For the past two days, I have tried to cheer myself up. Nothing worked considerably well.

Something jolted me out of my thoughts, temporarily. I could remember, so vivdly, a visit to a special place. It was heartwarming, almost as if taking a casual jaunt down memory lane. On the way, the bus trip was evocative of memories. Every sight in between stops were repositories of childhood memories. That, was two days ago. It filled me to the brim with nostalgia.

My trail of thoughts ended there abruptly. There was a void, something so conspicuously missing, that oppressed my emotions. A chain is as strong as its weakest link, is it not? Living so vicariously, as I have tried in the past two days, I have failed terribly to fit myself in his shoes.

Everywhere I walked, there was a void. Voids he was supposed to fill. There, were spaces reserved for my dear friend. I missed him. He wasn’t there to attend class. He wasn’t there to talk. He wasn’t there to answer my phone calls.

I closed my eyes, hoping this dream would quietly pass me by. At last, it wasn’t a dream, and across my seat, there was another person, sitting alone, with his lips puckered. And, there, was another story to tell.

He just wrote the best thing that he’s written all week, but his best friend’s coughing up blood in the sink. He can’t even think what happened – he’s feeling so confused and he knows it looks bad, but there’s nothing he can do.

I wonder what it’s like to be right there in his shoes.

- Exceprts from “Right Now” by Fort Minor, written by Mike Shinoda.

P.S.: ZS: I know you don’t get to read my blogs very often, but I want you to know (whenever you get to read this), you’re not fighting this alone. I may not fit in your shoes and experience the pain you have gone through, but mentally, we will coalesce as one. Stay strong!

If I had a choice, I would choose never to have to fall asleep. They say that sleep is the cousin of death. I couldn’t agree more.

Sleep would often culminate in a semi-conscious state – dreaming. Dreams are sometimes a stark contrast from reality, and sometimes a jaded reflection of my life.

Last night was more of the latter.

I was in a dream. Everywhere around me was the sky above, and the concrete underneath. The sky, once a curtain of grey, had lit up. Twilight crawled across the sky. The clouds have started to clear, and the sun emerged with practiced bravado, from the grey shroud that once obnubilated it.

I stood there stoically, letting the radiance wash over me… All of the gloom had faded away, amidst the sunshine. I heaved a sigh of relief. I had just survived, and made it past through a period of great adversity. The horizon was a great vista, glimmering with hope, astounding sparkles of wonder.

It was cold, probably at sub-zero temperature, but I did not shiver from the cold. There was a nice, blue tint in the air, forming a strange mist that obscured my optical. I could vaguely see a lone, dark figure in the distance.

I stared, in consternation, at the dark figure with his back turned on me. There was a sign of indifference and nonchalance in his walking gait. No matter how slowly I walked forward, he never seemed to appear further away from me.

If there was something about the figure, he was at the least, familiar. I could not put my finger on it, but he seemed like somebody I knew… the sense of familiarity was intense, and increasing in crescendo as the sight of him grew clearer. Apprehension gripped me suddenly.

With his head perched on the side, looking upwards at an angle, he turned back a little, enough for me to see a humanoid-looking face. It was still quite a task to describe his countenance, and putting it in any number of words would appear to be a verbose.

The figure let his pace slowly descend into a halt. I continued to walk forward, as if my legs were controlled by an external force. I fought back and tried to stop moving forward, but to no avail – the mysterious force continued to propel me forward, step by step.

The humanoid figure turned his unwieldy head back at an even greater angle, this time allowing me to see his countenance clearly. Still looking on with consternation, I was met with an intense degree of malice. It was sure a permutation from the nonchalance I have experienced earlier, a mammoth step up from when I have just begun to spot him.

I tried to gaze away, but curiosity got the better of me. As I looked on, I saw a pair of dark brown eyes, evocative of ill-feelings. Those malevolent pair of eyes darted to the side for a while, almost as if acknowledging my presence. It sent a shiver down my spine.

At that very moment, realisation dawned on me. Part of me realised sub-consciously that it had just been a dream, but the thought of it was quickly expelled from my mind. Secretly, another part of me was enjoying the vicarious experience I was put through; a mystical reflection of reality.

Subsequently, I turned to look at my side, and realized that I was not alone after all. I looked at my partner, and saw that he was drenched from the rain, not unlike me. I wasn’t sure if he looked back in acknowledgement, but I was sure I recognised who that was.

I wasn’t sure if my best friend ever opened his mouth to speak, but I remembered that the mysterious force pushed us closer to the estranged figure that was standing in the distance.

Of course, I had been in this before. The sense of familiarity was unnerving; this was a nightmare I didn’t want to be in. The only thing that stood between me and that monstrous humanoid creature was fate.

(I hate to quote Optimus Prime from Transformers, but he has a point.)

Fate rarely calls upon us at the moment of our choosing.

(Suddenly, that humanoid creature reminded me of that decepticon from Transformers – yes, that one. No, not Megatron. I meant, The Fallen.)

And, as the propulsion brought me closer to the figure, I wondered – and the lone figure continued to stare at us – ‘was it really over yet’?

As his stare became more intensified, the answer was clear. I shuddered. The sense familiarity struck again. I realised that I could recognise him too. His name was…

It was you.

(Yes, you, Wang Chun Kiat.)

[To Be Continued...]

I had this vision of a new world; a world we are gradually moving into as humanity, as rulers of this planet called Earth, and soon-to-be the galaxy.

It is not only a good time for humanity – the global society – as a whole to experience a paradigm shift at the same time, but also a good time for us to really observe the true meanings of “peace”, “justice”, and “equality”. Will we finally observe what we preach, and put it into action?

2012 is nearing us, and while skeptics of a better world believe it will soon mark the end of the world, I believe that something good is near us – a change in society that will impact the world’s billions of people with a resounding effect, and change us forever.

The signs are clear; they are evident. We see rapid developments in transportation and the tourism sector. We are seeing widespread use of the Internet; Twitter, FaceBook, Plurk, MySpace, Digg, Flickr, YouTube, and Google are all thrown into the mix in the world of social networking, connecting the developed and civilised world. But, what about the rest of them?

It is time to connect the rest of them. And the first step is to recognise, then acknowledge that we, as the dominating species on Earth, are living collectively as people – people of the world, not people of nations.

When the age-old cultures of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries are non-existent and no longer practiced, it is time to pull the plug on it, step back, and say, “Hey, it’s time for a change. America’s the new super-power, and instead of letting them assert a monopoly of power on the world, let’s form an alliance with the world as one big nation, and the United Nations as the de facto government; and live together in peace.”

Many cultural practices are already falling apart, and fading away into the abyss of time, long lost in history, only recorded in books. The proof of many cultures may still be there – monuments such as the Great Wall of China and the Forbidden City in China, but the most important driving force, the soul – the hearts of the people that practice it, are gone. A culture is a set of mutually-agreed practices among a group of people, and if the group of people experience a paradigm shift and no longer honours the culture in its organic form, then it is time for change.

With many cultures slowly fading away, and new-age cultures emerging, such as the Hip-Hop culture of New York that emerged at the turn of the century, isn’t it time to finally see our efforts culminate in something tangible? Globalisation isn’t something as obscure as a conspiracy theory, it is widely known, and it has happened. We have all experienced it, so why not let it advance to the next stage?

It’s high time to start on real globalisation – in all seriousness, deglobalisation is happening at the wrong time. Make hay while the sun shines, as it says, so why is everyone, especially America, adopting protectionist policies?

This isn’t the way to go. The USA shouldn’t rule the world. China shouldn’t rule the world. Neither should Russia. We, as humans, should rule ourselves. This is our world, a collective world. We should have the freedom to observe our ideals, yet not be constrained to our own nation… we should be free to declare our allegiance to each political camp as we please, with no strings attached and no red tape. Make English the world’s language. Let us express ourselves, and let this be a barrier-free world!

Will it ever be possible? Will North Koreans finally open up to the world? Will the other remaining communist states follow suit, even if North Korea were to succumb to the forces of globalisation? Will people finally learn to respect each other, and love one another as they are of the same kind (human beings), and not fall apart because they are of a different race? Will the USA finally give up their reputation as the world’s sole superpower, and surrender their military prowess? Will the terrorists finally halt their churlish acts? All these are questions that we will have to ask ourselves, and not just by the naysayers – we have to answer these questions.

And, the ultimate question? Will we finally be as one? Yes, if we believe in it. We always believed in things, and they happened. Determination, passion, and zeal – all these, we are capable of. But, are we ready to unlock the door, and tell ourselves, “this is the way for us”?. Not the only way, but the best way ahead?

I am sure we can achieve it. And for the record, I am only 16 years old. No, I am not being naive. It’s something else, something we all ought to have – faith.

Let’s all build a barrier-free world for all!

A Max Payne fan fiction.

Memories are an important driving force in my life. I don’t know about you, but I have always been very pensive, and sentimental. The cognitive ability to commit experiences to memory and summon them back at a later time is a very wondrous ability, in my opinion. At least, it was before everything fell apart, like living hell. There were no angles. I didn’t believe in angels. Rather, it’s fear gives a man wings, and that is something I fervently believe in.

But the memories will never wane.

P.S. BFFs! I had a great time today, didn’t you guys too? Haha… word up, HZS. Wished you could stay longer…